I should have known better how a person he is. But I decided to give it a shot, not knowing why I did that. And I now regret, truly regret. Regret over everything I gave.
This relationship, I failed. Failed badly, if there's something worse than F9, I guess I can use that as a rating in this relationship. For once, I actually waited and hoped for a miracle that he can perform. But I realised it was all a dream that will never come to past. So I have decided to give up and get over it. The tears I have shed, all wasted. The hopes I had, all dashed. All that I have given, came to void. I lost. I concede defeat. All that I gotten out of this relationship = not treasured, not cherished, not trusted, accusation after accusation, unsincere apologies, empty promises. Given the most, failed most badly.
strawberry(: signed off at 11:00 PM
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
I really thank God for supportive colleagues at work. And really thank God for a helpful partner I have.
Till now, everything is alright, hanging around well with them all :D Pastor told us the goodness and power of PRAISE, and yes. In all things, I can praise the Lord. PM was really good and I'm glad I went.
Anyways, got part of the photos of Shar's birthday from Emily, nice shots. I wanted to go facebook get the rest from Shar, but, facebook loading is 'WOAH'. So gave up and decided that I shall 'kope' tomorrow from work desk.
strawberry(: signed off at 8:38 PM
Monday, August 10, 2009
what lies ahead?
granny's place later. And a bad morning to start with. PM was really good though.
well. i reckon he hasn't read my blog. or if he did, then im really disappointed with those messages in the morning. This time round, i got so disappointed, i really don't know how to react anymore. My heart not filled with love anymore, its filled with disappointments after disappointments. Have I ever really betrayed you? you should know which sense im talking abt. Please ask urself this question. If you really think I have something on with C or something on with someone else, please do not talk to me anymore. You dont need a slut as a GF.
You tell me how many times have I felt a slut, a prostitute, a cheap person in front of you. You ask urself. Do I go around hugging other guys? Do I go around flirting with other guys? Do I go around holding other guy's hands? Do I go around kissing other guys? Do I sleep around? But everytime you make me sound as if I did all these. Do you actually know how I have been feeling? YOU NEVER CARED! ALL YOU EVER CARED IS WHETHER I HAVE ENOUGH TIME WITH YOU. WHETHER IM GOING OUT WITH OTHER GUYS. WHETHER I PUT MY FRIENDS IN FRONT OF YOU. I NEVER FELT SO LOUSY BEFORE. or maybe I was wrong again, maybe you would answer me with 'I don't know, only you know' again. I SAID NEVER, you don't believe. When I tell you yes, im going out with other guys, im making out with other guys, you don't believe. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? lock myself at home?
sometimes, enough is enough. if you are not going change, don't look for me anymore. I'm not the one for you then.
strawberry(: signed off at 11:04 AM
Sunday, August 09, 2009
sorry, i dont deserve ur wait. if not i get accused of robbing away ur sleep hours, ur rest hours. I have told u not to wait, so please do not put the blame on me this time.
you were the one who said i can go out with C. YOU WERE THE ONE. if by doing so, i betrayed u. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. you made me quarrel with u in front of my colleagues, in front of my parents. so, dont expect me to pretend that nothing happened. you said u regret to quarrel with me, but you have already said all that u shouldnt and it tells me that's what u really feel. so it doesn't make any difference whether u regret or not now.
i praised u in front of my colleagues, my friends. and yesterday, i had to take back all my words. ALL OF IT. after so long, i am still not accepted by you. If you still can't trust me, maybe you can considering hiring a PI to follow me wherever I go. Or make me quit my job and finance me with at least 1k every month. I'll be good and stay home and be tai tai and do online shoppings.
what you said yesterday almost brought me to tears, but its okay. not the first time. to think that you catogorise me under those shameless, money faced sluts. I've got nothing to say anymore.
because my friend had a car, and you could only afford a cab. LOL!
strawberry(: signed off at 10:24 PM
happy birthday, Singapore
44th Birthday.
Deep down from within, i know God will take good care of lil Janelle. Didn't watch the fireworks, was dining at ThaiExpress with mummy and brother, cos brother took like more than half an hour to leave house, if not we could have watched fireworks. oh well, not that I've not seen.
next time, do not say sorry to someone when you think you are not at fault. if not, that 'sorry' is a lie, if not, its just saying for the sake of saying. And now I know how sincere those 'sorry's are. To think I thought ... oh well. Thinking back, I find myself being less and less emotional. Maybe I have already built up too many walls, but I have no intention of breaking them down. The best I could do is to maybe stop at where I am.
strawberry(: signed off at 10:02 PM
It's funny why I feel like blogging now.
Mummy said, "go find urself another guy, let him go find himself another girl, don't need to waste each other's time" Mummy know me too well that I can't be controlled. The more you want to control, the more I will rebel, consciously, unconsciously.
Somethings you promised, you never kept, but it became that because of me, you did it again. You said C was a sensitive issue between us, you said I knew it. To me, he is not, reading of my messages was a sensitive issue, you knew it too, but to you, it is not as well.
I kept 2 message for the longest time, because I thought it was really sweet and sincere. Today, I've decided to delete it. Because I knew it's not valid anymore. "I'm sorry for probing through your messages and probing too much.. .. .. I will not make u report to me everything and give you more space. .. ..cos I really love you." ".... .. all I ever wanted was to see you happy.. ... " I really don't know if all you ever wanted was to see me happy. When I say you ask too much, you tell me "don't i have the right to know?" Everytime you say this, I would read the 1st message and feel so heartbroken. You want to know why I never go too deep with you? Because I knew I cannot promise you anything, or give you any hope at all, because there is no room for last minute changes, or maybe any changes at all. Because I'm afraid of getting myself hurt again. Why am I so defensive of myself, why have I stopped giving in this relationship? I knew I would get hurt agian.
You told me you would never ask for breakup, but how many times have you made me decide to stay on or breakup? Its no difference when you throw the ball at me and make me decide. You knew I hate it when anyone force me. But you have to do it again and again, by waiting downstairs when I don't feel like seeing you, by deciding you will come pick me up when I don't wish to, by ringing my house phone when I ignore your calls. After so long, you still have not figured out that I need time to calm down before things can work out. But you can't wait. Just because you are going back to camp, I have to be deprived of the time to calm down. One week not meeting, is it really that big thing? If this one week of peace could mean a better communication the next week, is it not a better choice?
strawberry(: signed off at 4:09 PM
Monday, June 29, 2009
have finally decided to come back to blogging(:
anyways, gonna end my job in IMH this coming friday. Good money, but its just too sian, and I can't take it anymore. Shall be more hardworking to send resumes.
anyways, promised Anson that I shall be back in action in Children's Church, I shall learn to be more disciplined. And quite excited since 1st visitation will be with someone I dun know. Quite excited, but im sure i will be good!
strawberry(: signed off at 3:53 PM
Sunday, March 08, 2009
ever since my papers are all over, I've been slacking and slacking away- going out, watching movies, feasts, wild wild wet, gym, bird park, zoo, shoppings, etc
next stop- HONG KONG (:
super looking forward to it.
DisneyLand, Ocean Park, Victoria Peak, Avenue of Stars, Shoppings, etc. Just thoughts of it makes me happy!
strawberry(: signed off at 11:35 PM
Sunday, March 01, 2009
pictures updates (:
i miss hippo, and i'm sure hippo misses my sweetest, cutest, smartest tweety(:
this is what we did when we got tooo stressed up and bored over the revision! Heh!
This is mummy and the new painting in the hall wall(: niceeee
This is before Hippo boards the plane
Valentines Day Flowers! =D
strawberry(: signed off at 11:34 PM
Day Out
i miss hippo ): but no worries, he's coming back tomorrow!
outing today with the children to marina barrage. was cool until it poured. still, the day was well spent(: and nice nice dinner with Clement and WaiFong! Thank you for the treat!
strawberry(: signed off at 11:08 PM
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Hippo Went Back Home
yesterday marks the end of EXAMINATIONS!
Hippo is back in his hometown already. Mummy was nice to lend him our sofa for a night sleep, haha. okayys. den morning was waking up early, and sending him off to airport. Checked-in, had our breakfast and tata, byebye. headed back and slept till 12 plus. heh!
i can imagine him eating and eating non stop during these 4 days trip home. hmm, will I see a BIG and FAT and HUGE Hippo after 4 days?? hmmm, we shall see huh.
strawberry(: signed off at 2:31 PM
Thursday, February 19, 2009
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOUIS!
anyways, its so unbelievable, I WENT TO THE GYM TO EXERCISE!! okay, it really does feels good after a round of exercise. I tell myself, i shall do it more often after all papers end. YES.
okayys, back to topic, friday marks the start of my exams.
strawberry(: signed off at 12:25 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
peektures of v'day'09 (:
This is our candle light dinner(: Maincourse Let's start! Not forgetting the dessert! we're satisfied
strawberry(: signed off at 12:08 PM
Monday, February 16, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
well, celebration wasn't on the actual day, on the 15th instead. Heh.
so 14th was just me receiving a bouquet of sunflower, and me giving the valentine's day gift, accompained with a sumptous dinner at Thai Express(:
then 15th was work work work till 6 then we met. Hippo came to pick me up from the animal place then we headed to east coast park. And there I received another bouquet of flowers, its ROSES this time. Had a delicious meal, specially prepared by the Hippo. "honey pan fried cuckoo, green green grass, .. love supreme, pick me up as dessert and red red wine as drinks" some codes he came up with. We had candle light dinner, literally candle light dinner.
Everything on that day was great except the meet up with those frogs. it was eeeewwwww. okay, i did enjoy myself. and hope u really like the shirt (:
strawberry(: signed off at 11:35 PM
Sunday, February 08, 2009
irritated. really.
i dun know what's wrong with u. like i feel im super restricted in every thing. I can't find a space on my own anymore. I need to do my projects on my own sometimes. I need to have days on my own sometimes, like other than meeting friends and u. I can go home on my own, really. Every week i really dun know how to plan my time. like no matter how i plan, i cannot fit nicely into ur schedules. And i hate it when u give me that kind of expression.
u said to give me more space. other than not probing on my phone messages, every thing else u have to ask.
im sorry, im really irritated. i need to rant.
strawberry(: signed off at 10:41 PM
days of BLACK and WHITE
school is coming to an end very soon.
really glad the class is bonding together now, but sad at the same time, cos its all coming to an end.
Had our grand presentation on our entrepreneurship proj today(: finally done! sooooo after the presentation, we had a whole lot of fun taking peektures with the grp.
strawberry(: signed off at 12:47 AM
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
1/2 price day =D
neways, i'm really upset, cause I missed both Gelare and IceCube today. I totally forgotten about it.
anyways, i ate MOS today, finally (: and also, I finally developed photos. I'm finding more to develop.
and, the photo taking today is a total failure. i think guys are really bad with photo taking, or are they just not taking it seriously leh?
strawberry(: signed off at 11:31 PM
Sunday, February 01, 2009
HAPPY NEW YEAR (:
Mummy blessed us with a pair of Chingay's tickets on Friday.. so after visiting ShuLing at hospital, we headed there to Marina for the fun!
of course, a good good meal for lunch @ Jack's place yesterday. Visited the darling girl again, was glad she's getting better day by day. Hopefully she'll be able to walk on her own soon(: then it was service and dinner, before heading home!
some person beside me kept wearing the same shirt, like he got no other shirts like that hor???