I really thank God for supportive colleagues at work. And really thank God for a helpful partner I have.
Till now, everything is alright, hanging around well with them all :D Pastor told us the goodness and power of PRAISE, and yes. In all things, I can praise the Lord. PM was really good and I'm glad I went.
Anyways, got part of the photos of Shar's birthday from Emily, nice shots. I wanted to go facebook get the rest from Shar, but, facebook loading is 'WOAH'. So gave up and decided that I shall 'kope' tomorrow from work desk.
strawberry(: signed off at 8:38 PM
Monday, August 10, 2009
what lies ahead?
granny's place later. And a bad morning to start with. PM was really good though.
well. i reckon he hasn't read my blog. or if he did, then im really disappointed with those messages in the morning. This time round, i got so disappointed, i really don't know how to react anymore. My heart not filled with love anymore, its filled with disappointments after disappointments. Have I ever really betrayed you? you should know which sense im talking abt. Please ask urself this question. If you really think I have something on with C or something on with someone else, please do not talk to me anymore. You dont need a slut as a GF.
You tell me how many times have I felt a slut, a prostitute, a cheap person in front of you. You ask urself. Do I go around hugging other guys? Do I go around flirting with other guys? Do I go around holding other guy's hands? Do I go around kissing other guys? Do I sleep around? But everytime you make me sound as if I did all these. Do you actually know how I have been feeling? YOU NEVER CARED! ALL YOU EVER CARED IS WHETHER I HAVE ENOUGH TIME WITH YOU. WHETHER IM GOING OUT WITH OTHER GUYS. WHETHER I PUT MY FRIENDS IN FRONT OF YOU. I NEVER FELT SO LOUSY BEFORE. or maybe I was wrong again, maybe you would answer me with 'I don't know, only you know' again. I SAID NEVER, you don't believe. When I tell you yes, im going out with other guys, im making out with other guys, you don't believe. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? lock myself at home?
sometimes, enough is enough. if you are not going change, don't look for me anymore. I'm not the one for you then.
strawberry(: signed off at 11:04 AM
Sunday, August 09, 2009
sorry, i dont deserve ur wait. if not i get accused of robbing away ur sleep hours, ur rest hours. I have told u not to wait, so please do not put the blame on me this time.
you were the one who said i can go out with C. YOU WERE THE ONE. if by doing so, i betrayed u. I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY. you made me quarrel with u in front of my colleagues, in front of my parents. so, dont expect me to pretend that nothing happened. you said u regret to quarrel with me, but you have already said all that u shouldnt and it tells me that's what u really feel. so it doesn't make any difference whether u regret or not now.
i praised u in front of my colleagues, my friends. and yesterday, i had to take back all my words. ALL OF IT. after so long, i am still not accepted by you. If you still can't trust me, maybe you can considering hiring a PI to follow me wherever I go. Or make me quit my job and finance me with at least 1k every month. I'll be good and stay home and be tai tai and do online shoppings.
what you said yesterday almost brought me to tears, but its okay. not the first time. to think that you catogorise me under those shameless, money faced sluts. I've got nothing to say anymore.
because my friend had a car, and you could only afford a cab. LOL!
strawberry(: signed off at 10:24 PM
happy birthday, Singapore
44th Birthday.
Deep down from within, i know God will take good care of lil Janelle. Didn't watch the fireworks, was dining at ThaiExpress with mummy and brother, cos brother took like more than half an hour to leave house, if not we could have watched fireworks. oh well, not that I've not seen.
next time, do not say sorry to someone when you think you are not at fault. if not, that 'sorry' is a lie, if not, its just saying for the sake of saying. And now I know how sincere those 'sorry's are. To think I thought ... oh well. Thinking back, I find myself being less and less emotional. Maybe I have already built up too many walls, but I have no intention of breaking them down. The best I could do is to maybe stop at where I am.
strawberry(: signed off at 10:02 PM
It's funny why I feel like blogging now.
Mummy said, "go find urself another guy, let him go find himself another girl, don't need to waste each other's time" Mummy know me too well that I can't be controlled. The more you want to control, the more I will rebel, consciously, unconsciously.
Somethings you promised, you never kept, but it became that because of me, you did it again. You said C was a sensitive issue between us, you said I knew it. To me, he is not, reading of my messages was a sensitive issue, you knew it too, but to you, it is not as well.
I kept 2 message for the longest time, because I thought it was really sweet and sincere. Today, I've decided to delete it. Because I knew it's not valid anymore. "I'm sorry for probing through your messages and probing too much.. .. .. I will not make u report to me everything and give you more space. .. ..cos I really love you." ".... .. all I ever wanted was to see you happy.. ... " I really don't know if all you ever wanted was to see me happy. When I say you ask too much, you tell me "don't i have the right to know?" Everytime you say this, I would read the 1st message and feel so heartbroken. You want to know why I never go too deep with you? Because I knew I cannot promise you anything, or give you any hope at all, because there is no room for last minute changes, or maybe any changes at all. Because I'm afraid of getting myself hurt again. Why am I so defensive of myself, why have I stopped giving in this relationship? I knew I would get hurt agian.
You told me you would never ask for breakup, but how many times have you made me decide to stay on or breakup? Its no difference when you throw the ball at me and make me decide. You knew I hate it when anyone force me. But you have to do it again and again, by waiting downstairs when I don't feel like seeing you, by deciding you will come pick me up when I don't wish to, by ringing my house phone when I ignore your calls. After so long, you still have not figured out that I need time to calm down before things can work out. But you can't wait. Just because you are going back to camp, I have to be deprived of the time to calm down. One week not meeting, is it really that big thing? If this one week of peace could mean a better communication the next week, is it not a better choice?