Mummy said, "go find urself another guy, let him go find himself another girl, don't need to waste each other's time" Mummy know me too well that I can't be controlled. The more you want to control, the more I will rebel, consciously, unconsciously.
Somethings you promised, you never kept, but it became that because of me, you did it again. You said C was a sensitive issue between us, you said I knew it. To me, he is not, reading of my messages was a sensitive issue, you knew it too, but to you, it is not as well.
I kept 2 message for the longest time, because I thought it was really sweet and sincere. Today, I've decided to delete it. Because I knew it's not valid anymore. "I'm sorry for probing through your messages and probing too much.. .. .. I will not make u report to me everything and give you more space. .. ..cos I really love you." ".... .. all I ever wanted was to see you happy.. ... " I really don't know if all you ever wanted was to see me happy. When I say you ask too much, you tell me "don't i have the right to know?" Everytime you say this, I would read the 1st message and feel so heartbroken. You want to know why I never go too deep with you? Because I knew I cannot promise you anything, or give you any hope at all, because there is no room for last minute changes, or maybe any changes at all. Because I'm afraid of getting myself hurt again. Why am I so defensive of myself, why have I stopped giving in this relationship? I knew I would get hurt agian.
You told me you would never ask for breakup, but how many times have you made me decide to stay on or breakup? Its no difference when you throw the ball at me and make me decide. You knew I hate it when anyone force me. But you have to do it again and again, by waiting downstairs when I don't feel like seeing you, by deciding you will come pick me up when I don't wish to, by ringing my house phone when I ignore your calls. After so long, you still have not figured out that I need time to calm down before things can work out. But you can't wait. Just because you are going back to camp, I have to be deprived of the time to calm down. One week not meeting, is it really that big thing? If this one week of peace could mean a better communication the next week, is it not a better choice?
